Back on Medication, but That's OK!

So, it's been a long time since I've updated.  At first, I was looking at it thinking it was only a few weeks, then suddenly I realized that it's April!  I've been quiet for a very long time.  It's been a little stressful and busy in real life and I haven't felt like updating.  But here I am now.

Part of what kept me from posting for such a long time is that after being off antidepressants for 8 months, I started to recognize symptoms again.  I was having anxiety attacks, couldn't sleep, and saw a lot of the old symptoms come back.  After a visit to my doctor, he wanted me to go back on the Effexor again.  I didn't want to and expressed some concern, but he said it had worked before, so I should stick with it.  I took it for 3 days and felt sick, jittery, and just plain awful.  During that time, I talked with someone close to me who asked me why I agreed to go back on that medication.  She kind of reminded me that I needed to self advocate.  I do so much advocating for my daughter that I forget to advocate for myself.  I took myself off the medication (luckily 3 days wasn't long enough for discontinuation syndrome) and went back to the doctor.  He wanted to half the dosage of the Effexor, but I stood my ground and started a new medication.  It took a few months to get the dosage right, but I feel much better. 

I've often said that having depression is like being on a roller coaster.
I feel like I am finally in a good place, so I'm going to enjoy the ride!

My anxiety has dropped considerably, although I do have occasional moments of panic, they generally don't last as long. 

After going through so much effort to get off of the Effexor XR, I felt like a bit of a failure to have to go back on medication.  But, I realized that I was off the medication for quite awhile and I can do it again.  I would have been a failure if I hadn't recognized the symptoms and admitted that I needed help.  I'm hoping that this will be short term usage, but we'll see.  I am very glad that I didn't end up back on the Effexor XR again.  Even in 3 short days, I started to feel the old feelings coming back.  I was fidgety and felt foggy brained.  I am glad that my doctor agreed to let me try a newer medication, even though it wasn't his first choice.  It was nice to have some input into my own health care.

Starting a new medication was no picnic either.  Thankfully, my pharmacist recognized that it was a new medication for me, so she recommended that I start on a half dose for a few days before taking the full dose.  That helped a lot in the transition.  I researched the new medication so that I would know what kind of side effects to expect.  It felt like I got them all!  I kept note of side effects so that I would be able to notice any trends and be able to report back to my doctor. 

It took about a month and a half for the side effects to stop being a problem and at my current dosage, I feel pretty good about life in general.  I don't feel all sunshine and roses, but I also don't feel all doom and gloom.  I'm pretty much at an even keel these days, and the nice thing about this medication is that I actually have feelings and I'm not numbed into oblivion.  I'm a work in progress, and I'm getting to where I am meant to be, slowly, but moving forward all the time.

Reducing Antidepressants, First reduction, days 7-9

So, here's what I'm figuring out.  It can be hard to tell if the withdrawal symptom you're experiencing is an actual symptom of the withdrawal from the medication or just a regular part of life.  Mood swings are a normal thing for me at certain times of the month in particular.  How am I supposed to know if I'm angry because I have PMS or because the dose of my medication has changed?  I guess the obvious thing is to check the calendar, right?   But what about those times when I'm just irritated because someone is annoying?  I mean, come on, you can't blame everything on the meds.  Sometimes, irritability just happens.

A Mood Swing!  I need one of these!

I was reading down the list of possible symptoms today as I was looking to mark "Irritability" on my chart.  I wasn't too surprised to see suicidal thoughts on the list, but then I saw homicidal thoughts and urges right below that.  Well, what do you know?  I guess that means that I need to be more aware of when people annoy me so that I don't get those urges or try to act on them.

The other day, while I was working, I had a really bad mood come on.  Since I work from home and my husband is self employed, we spend a lot of time in close quarters.  I felt it was only fair to warn him that I was having a mood, so I sent him  a text.  He wrote back something that made me laugh, and I let him know that the mood swing had passed, but the next one was scheduled for 20 minutes from now.  He commented that it was a good thing I could laugh about it.  My next remark?  That I could laugh now, but in 20 minutes, I wouldn't be laughing.

I think it's true though, you do need to be able to laugh about things like mood swings and other withdrawal symptoms as they happen.  Laughter goes a long way toward keeping you from getting to serious about things. You know what, being in a bad mood is not the worst thing that can happen to me in the grand scheme of things.  So what if my mood comes and goes?  Being able to laugh about it makes it easier to bear.  Laughing with someone else makes the laughter even sweeter.

My husband has been my partner in this from the start.  He was the one who encouraged me to look into getting off the medication.  I think he was able to have a clearer picture of how the drug was affecting me.  Being on the medication, sometimes it's hard to see how it has been negatively affecting me.  I saw the negative effects, but didn't necessarily attribute them to the long term use of the medication.

Overall, it's been an OK week.  It hasn't all been sunshine and roses, but I really believe that getting off these drugs will make a huge difference.  It's not easy, but it hasn't been torturous either.  One more week at this level according to the plan my doctor set out.  We shall see how it goes.

I'm Still Standing

 This song came to mind when I was thinking of what to write tonight, so I went with it. I've never seen the video before, and I've gotta say, it's a little weird. Rather than get into a critique of 80s style, I'll get back to my post. I've been quiet for a few weeks on this blog, but even quieter on my other blogs. I don't know quite how, but I wound up in a depressed slump.

Sometimes when I'm not expecting it, depression jumps up and kicks my ass. It started off as just not wanting to write anything. I just didn't feel like it. It kind of grew from there. Looking back, I think that it started around the time we switched to Daylight Savings Time. I don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with less hours of daylight. The ironic thing is that I was talking with my husband about my dislike for the medication I am currently taking and planning to talk to my doctor about going off it. I have felt for some time that my current antidepressant makes me numb to any kind of feeling. I don't feel horribly depressed, but I don't feel happy either. I truly believe that I needed the medication when I started taking it. Without the antidepressants, I would have continued in a downward spiral. I don't even necessarily want to go off medication all together. I just want to get off this medication.

My plan right now is to get through the holidays and then sit down and talk with my family doctor about making a change. After being on this medication for so long, it's going to be a pain to get off of it. Anyway, I'm still here and hopefully I'll be writing more again. I made the effort to get the Wii out the other day and I did a bit of time with Jillian Michaels' game. I wanted to use the Wii Fit, but my disc is hiding somewhere. Hopefully I will find it soon.

The kids and I have been trying to go out for walks after dinner every night. We just go around the block, but it does us good to get outside and get some exercise and fresh air. The nights we walk, the kids go down much better.

I've been trying to organize more by getting more clutter out. A few more boxes have been donated to the local Sally Ann. I've also been tossing a lot of stuff. If the kids leave it out, it's being trashed. I got a new bin for garbage, recycling and compost as well. The recycling was falling all over the place, so this helps to keep it contained. The kids are having fun using the bin to sort things right now. I'm sure this novelty will wear off soon.

As for healthy, I'm sticking to a vegan diet. I'm also seeing my chiropractor once a week now. I'm noticing a difference. When we started chiropractic, the chiropractor told me I had a 97% loss of curve to my neck. It turned out that he mis-read my x-ray and it was actually 107% loss of curve. After 3 months of treatment, I was at 97%. It's getting better slowly, but I feel better already. I've had less headaches and fewer migraines. I'm not falling over tired any more. I'm not as short-tempered and moody either. As I continue treatment, I'm hoping I'll be feeling even better. So, that's me for now. I'm still standing.

Stop the Presses! I *FEEL*....Happy!

I had a great day, and this evening, I was sitting watching television with my husband and had this realization that I felt happy. Big deal, right, people are happy all the time. Yes, I'm sure they are. But for me, living with depression and taking anti-depressants, I don't *feel* a lot of anything. The medication helps to level out your emotions so that you don't live in the darkest pits of despair. The downside is that they also numb the feelings of elation and happiness as well. I don't know if I can explain it very well, because I hardly understand it myself. It's just that I'm not used to feeling this way, but I really like it.

I wonder if this is the effect of eating healthier and following a vegan diet? It is hard to know. I guess I'll just keep eating this way and see how it goes. I could definitely stand feeling happy a lot more often. I know that following a vegan diet helps to reduce the need for medications for some illnesses. Trust me that the thought of being able to reduce the anti-depressants I take was an additional spur toward vegan eating. I am interested to find out if taking animal products out of my diet will help to balance the chemicals in my brain. I am tired of feeling numbed by this drug and by the shadow it casts on my life as this drug in particular was one which doctors were told was not habit forming only to find out later that it is and it is very hard for people to get off it. The last time I tried to reduce my medication, the side effects of reducing the drug were very hard on me.

I'll have to do some more research on veganism and depression and I'll share my findings here. In the meantime, I'm going to smile and enjoy this strange feeling of happiness while it lasts :)