Getting Healthy: Medication Free

It's been a couple of weeks now since I finally tapered right off of the antidepressant I was taking.  I'm still having some withdrawal symptoms, but they're becoming more infrequent as time goes on.  The "brain zaps" bother me most when I'm tired or trying to go to sleep.

So here's what I've found now that I'm drug free:

1).  I have emotions again.  Before I felt a little bit, but my feelings had no depth.  I've had a couple of moments where I've suddenly realized that I felt happy.  Weird, I know.  It's nice to feel things again.   This can also be a bit of a pain because I find myself tearing up over sappy things like commercials.  I don't outright cry, but my eyes get watery and I feel like I'm going to start weeping.

2).  I have more energy.  Maybe it's all the supplements I've been taking, but I'm feeling more energetic.  Rather than sit there wishing I felt well enough to clean something or get something done, I'm actually getting up and doing it.  I'm trying to be careful and not do too much at once because I don't want to overdo it.  Little by little, my house is getting more organized.   I'm also becoming more physically active and have been enjoying spending time outside with the girls.  I've been picking up some of the winter detritus from our garden.  I've got big plans for the garden this year.

3).  I'm still in recovery mode.  It might take awhile for the side effects of the antidepressants to be totally gone.  I have to remember to cut myself some slack.  I will get there, it will just take some time.

Now that I've gotten off of the antidepressants, I'm going to spend more time and energy on getting healthier by losing weight.  My weight has really gone out of control over the last while and I'm ready for it to come off.  I'm exercising again and trying to pay more attention to what I'm eating.  There is so much information out there on what is healthy and so many different plans around that I feel a little like I'm watching a tennis match.  Eat this, don't eat this, never ever eat that.  I believe that I can do this!  If I can get off of antidepressants after 9 years, losing the weight should be a walk in the park.  OK, so I know it won't be easy, but I know I can do it.  One day at a time, one baby step after another, I will get there.  I have to.

Antidepressant Free!

It's true!  I took my last Effexor XR pill 7 days ago.  It has not been easy, especially since I couldn't just ignore the rest of my life.  Day 1 wasn't so bad. Day 2 was bad, enough that I considered going back on the medication.  Day 3 was hell.  I had to leave work early because I felt so sick.  Between brain zaps, nausea and stomach troubles, it was bad.  I wasn't sure I was going to make it.

I had to ask my parents to come over to help me with my kids because my husband had to work that night.  Our youngest is a challenge to handle when I'm feeling well.  I knew that if I didn't have help, she would find all of my buttons and push them all at once.  She was surprisingly good, especially when her nonna told her that she was not to get out of bed (again).

Before they left, Mom told me that the third day is always the worst and it turns out that in this case, she was right.

Day 4 was better and day 5 even better.  I'm on day 6 now and aside from the brain zaps, I'm doing quite well. My village has been a great help to me in getting through this.  My husband has encouraged me a whole lot.  And he's had to live with me as I've gone through the detox process.  If anyone tells you that there are no withdrawal symptoms from antidepressants, that person is lying.  You can call it "antidepressant discontinuation syndrome" all you want, but that does not change the fact that there are withdrawal symptoms from this drug.  Changing the name doesn't change the fact that people are addicted to the medication.  (stepping off soapbox).

My mom has been a great support as well and so has my sister (in-law).  It really helps to have people in your corner rooting for you.  I don't know where I'm going from here, but I'm happy to be medication free.  I'll continue to work my way through the withdrawal symptoms and once they've settled down, I'll be able to focus on other parts of my life and health.  One day at a time.

I don't talk a lot about spiritual stuff, but when I was at my lowest on day 3, I told God that I couldn't do it and a verse came to me.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13.  That verse became my prayer for the rest of the day.  Never underestemate the power of prayer.

Second Week on Second Taper from Antidepressants

The second taper has definitely been harder than the first was. It seemed like I'd be feeling better for a day or two and then discontinuation symptoms would crop up again. I've had a lot of buzzing in my brain, kind of a zapping, electrical type of feeling. It doesn't hurt so much, but it's annoying and leaves you feeling a little off balance. I did some reading online and this site, The Road Back was very helpful. I added an Omega 3 supplement to what I'm already taking and it seems to help a lot with the zapping. As I'm vegan, I was happy to find that flaxseed oil is high in Omega 3 because everyone tends to think Omegas are fish oils only.

So, for supplements, I'm taking flaxseed, Vitamin D, Vitamin B and Vitamin C. Yes, I'm pretty sure I rattle when I walk by. The flaxseed really helped to get over the brain zaps. I think if I can go a few days with no zaps, I'll be ready for my final taper. It's exciting and a little scary all at once. Overall, I'm feeling pretty good, aside from having trouble sleeping. It is strange to feel things that I haven't felt for awhile, but I'm starting to feel more like me again.

On the days when I feel really good, I'm getting more things done. I'm exercising and I'm doing crazy things like washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. Before, after dinner, I didn't do much at all. Now, I'm finding little jobs to do because I don't want to just be sitting around. I look at it and I wonder how I stayed on this medication for so long and I'm really grateful that my husband encouraged me to start looking at getting off of it. I truly didn't realize that the antidepressants were having such an effect on me. I thought that the way I felt was normal. How sad is that? I'm not saying that I don't have depression any more. I am still prone to depression and will probably always have to be aware of it and keep an eye on it. Depression is a mental illness and it needs to be treated, but for me, taking the antidepressants was having too many negative side effects and was seriously impairing my quality of life.

So, this is me getting healthy. I think that as I continue to feel better, I'll get fitter too because I'll actually have the energy to exercise and hopefully I'll get a little more organized because I'll be able to focus on a task and get it done. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there, one baby step at a time.

Second Antidepressant Taper Day 8

Had to come by and leave a quick note.  What a difference a day makes!  Day 8 was great!  I actually found that I felt good.  It's hard to explain, but I haven't felt happy and just good for a long time.  Yes, my kids still fought with each other and I yelled at them, but it didn't spoil my whole day or even bring me down.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I made sure to take my vitamins today and I also had a chiropractic adjustment.  Not sure if either or both of these made a difference, but I don't really care.  I'm feeling good!

Second Antidepressant Taper Days 5-7

So, almost done my first full week at the second adjustment to my medications.  It's been funny how different this taper is.  First taper, symptoms came, got worse, then lessened and disappeared over 14 days.  This time, they've been coming and going and they range in intensity.

I experienced my first "brain zap" on day 5 along with a lot of dizziness.  Day 6 was a lot better with just a little dizziness.  I even felt well enough to visit with some family.  Day 7 not so great.  Headache for most of the day and just generally feeling run down.  Now that I think of it, I skipped my vitamin B and C supplements today.  I did take the vitamin D.  It's much easier to take D because it's just a few drops rather than taking a huge pill for the other two.  Why do vitamins have to be so big and so stinky?

So, I guess I'll take my vitamins now and see if it helps how I feel in the morning.  I wish I could rush this and get off the medication quicker, but I know that I would feel a lot worse.  Perhaps I rushed the second taper, but I was following my doctor's intstructions.  I think I'll go in and see him before the next taper.  He left it pretty much as "come in if you want to".  Funny, to put me on the meds in the first place, I had to go in after the first week, then every 2 weeks after that to make sure everything was going well.  To taper the medication, they don't seem as concerned.

Tomorrow is my day at the chiropractor.  I'm looking forward to having my adjustment to see if it helps me with the symptoms a bit.  I usally feel much better afterwards.

They say that to make a change in your life, you need to have a big "Why".  It's taken some time to figure out what my why is.  My why is that I want to live my life and be involved in my life and stop watching from the sidelines.  I want to feel again and be a part of something.  I want to be more involved with my family and not go through the motions.  I want to be healthy.

Second Antidepressant Taper Days 1-4

So, I survived 2 weeks at my first taper and decided to go with my doctor's advice to do the second taper 2 weeks after the first.  I'm now taking 1/3 of the medication I was taking before.  It seems a little steep to cut by so much, but the medication comes in wacky doses, so to go down, you go down by a lot.

Anyway, day 2 was the worst I've experienced so far.  I don't know how I managed to work with a raging headache, but after work, I pretty much went to bed and tried to sleep it off.  I was very tempted to go back up to my previous dose because it was so bad.  When you can't participate in your own life because the medication messes you up so bad, it can be hard to take.  What got me through that night besides a lot of acetaminophen was my husband.  He reminded me that tomorrow would be better and I'd be another step closer to getting off of my medication all together.  I also though a lot about my girls.  I'm looking forward to being able to participate more in their lives.  I think I'm going to have a party when I finally detox from this horrible medication.  I'm going to celebrate the fact that I've survived and that I'll finally be free of this crap.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely needed to be on antidepressants when I had postpartum depression, but I don't think I've needed to be on them this long.  I think that these pharmaceutical companies make it difficult to get off these medications by lying to us and telling us that they are not habit forming and you can't get addicted to them.  Bullshit.  But that is a story for another day.

My husband commented tonight that I was smiling.  You know why?  Because smiling is something that I don't do a lot of because of this nasty drug.  The drug takes the lows that you feel and flattens them, but it also flattens every other emotion and leaves you feeling basically numb.  I'm looking forward to actually feeling things again.

So, I'm up to day four at 1/3 of my original dose.  I'm feeling pretty good.  A little bit of dizziness today, but no headache and no mood swings.  Things are looking up
.

Reducing Antidepressants, First reduction, days 7-9

So, here's what I'm figuring out.  It can be hard to tell if the withdrawal symptom you're experiencing is an actual symptom of the withdrawal from the medication or just a regular part of life.  Mood swings are a normal thing for me at certain times of the month in particular.  How am I supposed to know if I'm angry because I have PMS or because the dose of my medication has changed?  I guess the obvious thing is to check the calendar, right?   But what about those times when I'm just irritated because someone is annoying?  I mean, come on, you can't blame everything on the meds.  Sometimes, irritability just happens.

A Mood Swing!  I need one of these!

I was reading down the list of possible symptoms today as I was looking to mark "Irritability" on my chart.  I wasn't too surprised to see suicidal thoughts on the list, but then I saw homicidal thoughts and urges right below that.  Well, what do you know?  I guess that means that I need to be more aware of when people annoy me so that I don't get those urges or try to act on them.

The other day, while I was working, I had a really bad mood come on.  Since I work from home and my husband is self employed, we spend a lot of time in close quarters.  I felt it was only fair to warn him that I was having a mood, so I sent him  a text.  He wrote back something that made me laugh, and I let him know that the mood swing had passed, but the next one was scheduled for 20 minutes from now.  He commented that it was a good thing I could laugh about it.  My next remark?  That I could laugh now, but in 20 minutes, I wouldn't be laughing.

I think it's true though, you do need to be able to laugh about things like mood swings and other withdrawal symptoms as they happen.  Laughter goes a long way toward keeping you from getting to serious about things. You know what, being in a bad mood is not the worst thing that can happen to me in the grand scheme of things.  So what if my mood comes and goes?  Being able to laugh about it makes it easier to bear.  Laughing with someone else makes the laughter even sweeter.

My husband has been my partner in this from the start.  He was the one who encouraged me to look into getting off the medication.  I think he was able to have a clearer picture of how the drug was affecting me.  Being on the medication, sometimes it's hard to see how it has been negatively affecting me.  I saw the negative effects, but didn't necessarily attribute them to the long term use of the medication.

Overall, it's been an OK week.  It hasn't all been sunshine and roses, but I really believe that getting off these drugs will make a huge difference.  It's not easy, but it hasn't been torturous either.  One more week at this level according to the plan my doctor set out.  We shall see how it goes.

Getting Healthy: Antidepressant Taper Days 1-5

It's a kind of new day for me. After doing some serious research, I decided that I was ready to start tapering off of my antidepressant medication. I talked with my doctor and he agreed that I was in a good place to make the change.

I began my taper on Wednesday. I'm glad that I did the research, because my doctor really didn't give me a lot of information. His plan is for me to taper by reducing my medication by 1/3 every 2 weeks and finishing up with taking the lowest dose every other day. I'm not saying it won't work, but he didn't talk at all about what "antidepressant discontinuation" effects (aka withdrawal symptoms) I might expect.

Back in December, I mentioned the book that I was reading, The Antidepressant Solution: A Step-by-Step Guide to Safely Overcoming Antidepressant Withdrawal, Dependence, and "Addiction" This book has been a huge help to me. Dr Glenmullen really knows what he is talking about and he makes it very easy to understand what to expect when tapering off of antidepressants. I've been using the symptoms log from his website. Scroll to the bottom of the page under the Anti-Depressant Solution and you can print the pdf there.

So, I've been on a decreased dose for 5 days. Last time my medication was this low was when I was pregnant with my youngest. The first couple of days were rough. I felt like I had a cold, stuffy head, couldn't concentrate, couldn't sleep, that kind of thing. Day 4 was actually the best I've felt for awhile, aside from a little dizziness. Day 5 I had a headache, but since I regularly get headaches, it's hard to know whether it was caused by the change in dose or not. The dizziness was there as well. I'll try to share what I'm going through, but it's taking a lot of my energy to deal with the symptoms as they happen.

My husband has been very supportive, and encourages me to sleep when I can as I've found I've been up at all hours lately. I've upped my vitamin D3 intake and I'm trying to keep eating healthy through the transition. Lots of water to help flush the medication from my system too. I'm basically trying to take it one day at a time. I'm taking my life back.

Babystepping Toward Health

I'm excited to be able to say that I started writing seriously this week.  I've had an idea that I've been thinking about writing for quite awhile, and this week I finally did something about it.  I've spent about an hour each evening working on it.  Not sure where it is going at the moment, but it feels good to be doing it.  


I was partly inspired by this quote that was tweeted this week:  

"No one can read a book that's in your head!" Anita Heiss .

I don't do New Years' Resolutions, because to me they are only made to be broken.   So I started writing a few days ago and hope to continue doing so every night.

I've also been researching how to safely make changes to antidepressant use.  I've found a book that has been very helpful in describing how people like me have ended up being dependent on antidepressants.  I think knowing the why will help me with understanding the how and taking the necessary steps.  The book describes a 5 step process, but I'm not that far into it yet.  I'm planning on taking things slowly.  If you are interested in this topic at all, I recommend this book.  It is very easy to understand and it has been an easy read so far.  I haven't felt at all bogged down by technical information.  

What I really like about this book is that it has given me a sense of hope.  It is possible to get off of antidepressants and it is possible to minimize the "discontinuation" aka withdrawal symptoms.  It helps to know that others have experienced this and that they were able to get there.  I got this book at the library, but I see that the author Dr. Joseph Glenmullen has other books, so I may have to check them out too.  


I'll be sure to share more about this book as I continue reading it.  If you have experience with antidepressant discontinuation, please let me know!  I'd love to hear from others in the same boat and to know what worked for you.