Back on Medication, but That's OK!

So, it's been a long time since I've updated.  At first, I was looking at it thinking it was only a few weeks, then suddenly I realized that it's April!  I've been quiet for a very long time.  It's been a little stressful and busy in real life and I haven't felt like updating.  But here I am now.

Part of what kept me from posting for such a long time is that after being off antidepressants for 8 months, I started to recognize symptoms again.  I was having anxiety attacks, couldn't sleep, and saw a lot of the old symptoms come back.  After a visit to my doctor, he wanted me to go back on the Effexor again.  I didn't want to and expressed some concern, but he said it had worked before, so I should stick with it.  I took it for 3 days and felt sick, jittery, and just plain awful.  During that time, I talked with someone close to me who asked me why I agreed to go back on that medication.  She kind of reminded me that I needed to self advocate.  I do so much advocating for my daughter that I forget to advocate for myself.  I took myself off the medication (luckily 3 days wasn't long enough for discontinuation syndrome) and went back to the doctor.  He wanted to half the dosage of the Effexor, but I stood my ground and started a new medication.  It took a few months to get the dosage right, but I feel much better. 

I've often said that having depression is like being on a roller coaster.
I feel like I am finally in a good place, so I'm going to enjoy the ride!

My anxiety has dropped considerably, although I do have occasional moments of panic, they generally don't last as long. 

After going through so much effort to get off of the Effexor XR, I felt like a bit of a failure to have to go back on medication.  But, I realized that I was off the medication for quite awhile and I can do it again.  I would have been a failure if I hadn't recognized the symptoms and admitted that I needed help.  I'm hoping that this will be short term usage, but we'll see.  I am very glad that I didn't end up back on the Effexor XR again.  Even in 3 short days, I started to feel the old feelings coming back.  I was fidgety and felt foggy brained.  I am glad that my doctor agreed to let me try a newer medication, even though it wasn't his first choice.  It was nice to have some input into my own health care.

Starting a new medication was no picnic either.  Thankfully, my pharmacist recognized that it was a new medication for me, so she recommended that I start on a half dose for a few days before taking the full dose.  That helped a lot in the transition.  I researched the new medication so that I would know what kind of side effects to expect.  It felt like I got them all!  I kept note of side effects so that I would be able to notice any trends and be able to report back to my doctor. 

It took about a month and a half for the side effects to stop being a problem and at my current dosage, I feel pretty good about life in general.  I don't feel all sunshine and roses, but I also don't feel all doom and gloom.  I'm pretty much at an even keel these days, and the nice thing about this medication is that I actually have feelings and I'm not numbed into oblivion.  I'm a work in progress, and I'm getting to where I am meant to be, slowly, but moving forward all the time.

Time for an Update

It's been awhile since I've shared with you. Life is starting to settle down a bit. I feel a lot better since I've been off of the anti-depressants. I was talking with my daughter about it today and told her that I'm still working hard to be better. She asked me if I had any brain zaps lately, and I was able to assure her that I hadn't. Since she's 10, she understands more of what is going on than my 6 year old does. It's not easy when you have to tell your child that you have depression and you don't mean to be snarky and feel lousy all the time. She told me that I yell a lot less than I used to. I think that is a good thing, right?

I have to say that most days, I don't feel depressed. I have my moments, of course, and I probably always will, but I don't feel miserable. I still get surprised by moments of happiness when I truly feel happy. They are becoming more frequent and less of a surprise than they were at first. Now that the depression seems better, I notice that my anxiety creeps up a little faster than it did when I was medicated. Sometimes I wake up with a feeling of dread about the day and when I'm able to realize that it is anxiety, I'm able to distance myself from it a bit and I've started to pray about it. That was something I had trouble doing when I was on the medication.

Something that has helped me recently is the Upwords Campaign from Thomas Nelson. They have been sharing inspirational scripture every day during the US election campaign and it's been a great blessing to me. I am not American, but I found all the election talk was stressful to me and I eventually tuned it out. This video shows some of the uplifting photos and scriptures that were sent out through this campaign. The one that really made an impression on me was on October 29.  You can see it below.

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 I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I won't give up and I'm not going back.

Side Effects of Getting Healthier

I figured it was time for an update.  I've discovered that there are some side effects to getting healthier.  I've been anti-depressant free for about 4 months now and overall it's been great.  I find that I feel better and now that I feel better, I want to do more.  It took some time, but we got our house mostly organized.  Of course, with 2 kids and a nerd in the house, there is always a sense of chaos, but we're getting there.

I started gardening again.  Before, I didn't have the energy to even think about how to tackle our over-grown garden and allergies kept me from doing much outdoors.  I cleared a big patch out and we planted watermelons, carrots, cucumbers and zucchini  (all seeds we had purchased before with good intentions).   Well, the carrots and the cucumbers decided not to make an appearance, but the watermelons and zucchinis are growing.  Whether we actually get any fruits is another question entirely.

In the garden, I tackled a giant rosebush this week.  This bush was here before we moved in 8 years ago and it has never flowered since we've been here.  There was a lot of dead undergrowth, so I cut it right back and hope that it will spring to life again.  It was a bit of a monster and I have the scratches to prove it.  Next step will be to cut back the lilac bushes that have been growing without being pruned.  Who knew that you needed to prune them?  Did I mention I don't really have much of a green thumb?

One thing that I have been learning is that I tend to forget that I have depression/anxiety.  I went through a really stressful time last month and it made me physically sick.  I was wondering why I couldn't handle the stress and I pretty much had to stop and think about it.  I had been feeling so good that it kind of slipped my mind.  Once I remembered and I cut myself some slack, I started to feel much better.  If it hadn't gotten better at that point, I was just about ready to visit my doctor and have a conversation again.  I'm glad that I didn't need to this time, and I'll be sure to monitor my stress levels a little more going forward.

One day, I want something like this in my garden!

Overall, I'm feeling good and I feel like I'm getting somewhere now.  I'm not sure where exactly I'm going, but that is half the fun!

Getting Healthier: Chiropractor Update

This picture is from my happy place. It's a real place where I love to go and I thought I'd share it today because I'm in a happier place than I was before I started seeing my chiropractor. We're 4 weeks into treatment. The first 6 weeks we were told would be for taking care of the pain we had been in. Then we do a few weeks at spinal correction, then we move to maintenance.

We've been going three times a week. That is a lot of face time with our chiropractor and his staff (who are all wonderful). Three times a week means a lot of mileage on our car, a lot of gas and even a lot of time. But I don't care about all of those things because I am feeling so much better than I was. The investment of time and money is paying off in better health. I am now able to get through my day without having to have a nap (although I still sneak them in from time to time). Prior to treatment, I was coming home from work, having a nap, getting up to eat dinner and going to bed before my kids. I was in that much pain--not all of it was physical either. I was having a lot of trouble with my moods and anxiety too.

Four weeks down and I've noticed a huge difference. It started with one of my daughters asking me a question in the car and I turned to look at her over my shoulder. I was amazed because I couldn't do that before! I have had less headaches in general, but I've still gotten hit with a couple of migraines. One morning last week, I went in with a migraine and I let him know before he started treating me. It's pretty bad when he can touch my shoulder and feel the lump that is essentially pinching the nerve and causing the migraine. The migraine didn't get better right away, but it eased off significantly and I was able to function somewhat normally.

I'm hoping that as I continue to feel better my energy will come back and I will be able to exercise more. I'm pleased with the changes that 4 weeks have already made. :)

Getting Healthier and a Little More Organized

It feels like a rare thing, but things are coming together for me. Getting to the chiropractor has put me on the road to health. Looking back over how I had been feeling, I can now clearly see that a lot of what I was feeling was related to my spine. The part of my neck that is out of whack is where all the nerves for things like mood, depression, anxiety, etc are. The fact that the nerves were being choked explains a lot of how I depressed I had been feeling. I'd gone from rarely having panic attacks to having them fairly regularly.

Now that I've had a few adjustments, I can feel a difference. My mood is still out of whack, but it's getting better. I can usually feel when a panic attack is coming on and try to warn my husband so that he knows that I'm not myself. There is nothing quite like seeing yourself being a bitch to the people you love and not being able to stop it. It feels like you're watching yourself be this way. I'm hoping that as my chiropractic visits continue that the moods will even out as my body starts healing itself. Seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and the possibility of feeling better is such a huge relief. It was just a couple of weeks ago that I cried in my husband's arms in despair, afraid that I would never get better. It's amazing what a difference a few weeks can make.


As for getting organized, my husband and I spent Father's Day clearing more stuff out of our basement. He had to take a load of stuff to the dump today and we've dropped a lot of stuff off at the thrift shop. Some stuff we were holding on to for silly reasons. My rocking chair was broken and had been broken for years, but it was something he was going to fix. We let it go, realizing it was never going to get fixed and it was just sitting down there making us feel guilty. It feels good to get rid of stuff like that. I'm pretty sure we had two non-functioning VCRs, some blankets we were saving for the local animal shelter and a few other things. It felt so good to get the stuff out of here.

We were able to fold up the futon that has been a dumping ground for years and we finally got the sheet off it so we could wash it. Today he set up my desk for my "office" space. I'm getting psyched to work at home! As much as I like seeing my friends at work, I think going home is going to be a good option for me. I can hardly wait for the approval to happen so I can start working here. No more juggling the single car we have with the kids and who needs to be where. Can hardly wait!

Stress Reduction with Technology

signs, signs...
Originally uploaded by jayewalking

If you've read my blog at all in the past, you know that I have depression. Paired with that depression is anxiety. The good thing is that my anxiety has been pretty much under control for the last few years. But once in awhile, it creeps up on me.

Last week, we took the kids to the Toronto Zoo and I was fine outside, but as soon as we went into the first pavillion, it was warm and crowded and my anxiety levels spiked. Rather than force myself to go through the whole building, I turned around and went out through the do not enter door. As soon as I got outside, I was fine.

One thing that causes me anxiety that I can't always get away from is driving. Recently, I've become the only driver in the family, or the only insured driver that is. I'm fine when I know where I am, but as soon as you throw in new places or throw me a curve ball like a road closure or a detour, I panic. As you can imagine, having a panic attack while driving is not a good option.

What I decided to do to ease my anxiety was purchase a GPS unit. Let me tell you, this has been one of the best things I've done for myself in a long time. I just plug the address in and let the GPS tell me what turns to make. Now sometimes, I don't make the turns that the unit wants me to do, but it always recalculates and figures the next best way to get me where I need to be.



Our GPS is a Garmin unit and it has a variety of voices you can choose from. Right now, I'm stuck with a character called "Squirrely" because my kids actually get upset if he's not the one they hear. Squirrely has a squirrely voice and has lots of fun sayings. If you miss a turn, he says, "Aw, nuts! Hold on, I'll get us out of here!" And randomly, he tells you things like, "Sometimes I get distracted, it's like I-hey, wanna get some peanut brittle?" How can you not have fun when listening to this silly guy?

Another thing I've done is to set up my Outlook calendar to share with my husband's. We both put our appointments in and "invite" the other person to the event. This lets us both see when we are booked and makes it a little easier to balance our schedules. I've also set myself a reminder in Outlook every evening to remind me to check the next day's schedule. The idea is if I remember to check what is on tomorrow, it won't surprise me--of course, this only works if everyone's schedule is up to date and if I remember to check it.

So I'm interested to hear from you. What ways are you using technology to help reduce your stress levels? Share your insights, comment below!

PS--do you like the picture? It's one of my own!