Today I Ran Away....

running away, age 8. 2/10/2008
Originally uploaded by jillallyn

....and no one noticed! OK, that's really because they are all asleep. I was having one of those nights and I felt like just getting out of the house, so I decided to drive up the street to get a slush drink. When I got in the car, I had this terrible urge to just put the pedal to the metal and keep going. I didn't. I went to the gas station, got my slush (Crystal Lite Cranberry, let me just say-ew!) and an ice cream sandwich (hello! chocolate and ice cream!) and got back in the car.

Now, I didn't head home right away. I put on my JC Chasez CD which permanently resides in my car's CD player and hit the road. I've gotta say, the roads were a lot more fun when I was younger and could drive five minutes before hitting one of the country roads. They were good old dirt roads and you could really just escape for awhile out in the country. Now those roads are paved and the speed limit is 60K. Really? And why does it take almost 20 minutes to get out of the city?

It's pretty obvious that I came back home, since I'm blogging and all, but wow, for that split second, I thought about just going. I ended up having a nice drive singing along with JC. It was fun. For once I wasn't driving somewhere that someone else needed me to go. I wasn't going to work or driving hubby to work or taking one of the kids to buy shoes or even doing grocery shopping. I was being totally irresponsible and LOVING it! (sure, maybe it wasn't totally irresponsible, I did drive the speed limit and wear my seat belt and all). It was nice to be in the moment and not worrying about 6 thousand things. That's why I don't sleep well. Those 6 thousand things keep me up, so I do things like blogging or reading, or just tossing and turning. And can I just say how frustrating it is when hubby gets into bed, rolls to his side (taking my share of the blankets with him) and falls asleep??? How can he do that? It's so not fair!

Back to the topic at hand. I think that sometimes we all need to run away. We need to disconnect from the world for just a few minutes to find our sanity. And have some chocolate. Because everything is better with chocolate. Next time, I think I might run away to a tropical paradise somewhere.....like I have the time to plan something like that!

She hasn't killed me yet! Jillian Michaels' Wii Ultimatum

I was thinking about skipping on my workout this evening, but I sucked it up and did it. I didn't do anything overly strenuous because we had a pot luck dinner at work right before my shift ended. No way I was going to run on a full stomach!

I did 5 of the remote exercises tonight-water pump, side lunge, back kick, hip twists and something else that escapes me now. Would you believe I actually scored fairly well and Jillian didn't yell at me for 4 of the 5? The water pump, I do it the way she does, but apparently I have got something wrong in the timing or something. Oh well, the important thing is I did it. I got moving. Nothing hurt too badly last time I did the exercises, so I am hoping that is the case tomorrow as well, but I can feel my abs a bit now, so we'll see how it goes.

After exercising, I remembered why I stopped getting my hair layered--I hate when I can't get my hair up off my head, especially when I'm working out. The stylist said I'd be able to put it up still, but it's not long enough. And I loved how it looked yesterday, but this is clearly not a wash and wear style. I refuse to spend as much time on it as she did, but I will likely have to resort to using some sort of product and possibly even drying my hair. I much prefer to wash and go because I'd rather spend the time that is spent on styling on something else like, oh, I don't know, how about sleeping? Yes, that is the real reason I don't fuss with my hair on a daily basis, crazy but true.

A Few More Baby Steps...

walking (uncropped)
Originally uploaded by English106

Had a busy day today, but it was a good one. My darling husband insisted I go get my hair cut today. I thought, sure, why not, I need to get it cut. When we get to the salon, he tells the stylist I need a cut and a dye as well. I was a little surprised, because I have a couple grays, but nothing that noticeable. It turns out that he wanted me to do something for me because he knew that I was unhappy with my appearance. What kind of guy gets that? Sweetheart, isn't he?

I have been letting myself go. My hair was halfway down my back and it was almost always in a ponytail. I didn't even realize how long it was until the stylist asked me how short I wanted it and I looked in the mirror to see that it was well past my shoulders. I think it has been possibly two years since I last got it cut. Crazy, right? Money had been tight and other things needed to be done, so I kept putting it on the back burner.

I think I may have lost some significant weight when I got my hair cut. Seriously, I had a lot of hair! It's now much shorter, layered and I have bangs...I haven't had bangs in 10 years at least! My kids have never seen me with bangs. It is taking some time to get used to seeing my reflection. :)

The other big thing I did tonight was go out for a walk with my friends. We all met about 5 years ago when we were training for the Weekend to End Breast Cancer and we still try to walk together now. It was so good to be outside walking and talking and talking. I think we probably walked about 7k tonight. That's a rough estimate, but still, it feels good to be back at it.

Now I'm at home with a migraine and a pretty funky haircut. Going to spend some time with my hubby and call it a night.

Another Baby Step Toward Fitness....

I took yesterday off from doing the Jillian Michaels Wii thing. I don't like calling it a game, because it's really not that much fun. Anyway, yesterday there was some pain, but nothing like what I experienced last week. So tonight when I got home from work, I did 5 exercises. Yep, I added one more onto what I did last time. It wasn't overly difficult, she just goes so fast that I actually get winded! And I get psyched out because the count starts at 1, not 0. I think I'm done and then I always have another rep to do...sneaky Jillian Michaels. I'll keep plugging away at it and hopefully I'll get the hang of these exercises. I'll probably use the Fit Plus sometimes too because it's a heck of a lot more fun! LOL.

I've been trying to keep unhealthy food out of the house, but then it's super available at work in the vending machines. They've gone mostly healthy now, but there is still chocolate and some potato chips. In case you are wondering, the mixed fruit bowl, not so tasty. I did make it through today with no caffeine. It was a close call because I had money and the Pepsi machine was there. Now if it had been a Coke machine, I would have been in more trouble.

Next week I start my new shift at work. I didn't get the shift I wanted, but I managed to work out that I work only 4 days a week now. The sad part is that 2 of those days I work until midnight. It's not going to be pretty around here. I was supposed to work a third midnight shift, but someone else wanted to trade for their earlier shift and it was worth it to get off one night earlier. Of course, I have to go in earlier too, so it's a toss up. I am thinking that when the little one is in school in September, I'm going to switch back to a day shift. This night stuff is killing me. I don't fall asleep easily when I get home and I'm on an opposite schedule to everyone at home. Then when I do have to get up early, I am definitely not a fun person to be around. (at least that is without copious amounts of chocolate and/or caffeine).

So back to the topic at hand. Tomorrow, no Jillian Michaels. Thursday, Jillian Michaels...I'm going to go with every other day for now and build up from there. Let's see if I survive.

Baby Stepping my Way

Close-up of female girl exercising by aerobic walking
Originally uploaded by mikebaird

Well, it took awhile, but I finally tried Jillian Michaels again. I did just a few of the remote exercises this morning. Would you believe I actually got a "Good job!" from Jillian? I know! I couldn't believe it either! I find the exercises are pretty quick, which is good and bad. I like getting them over with, but they are so fast, I feel winded when it is done and it's hard to keep up with her.

I was starting to feel like there was no point to trying anymore. It seemed that whether I tried or not, I was gaining weight. It didn't seem to matter what I ate or what I didn't eat, the weight just kept creeping on. Then I found a blog during the Ultimate Blog Party that gave me some inspiration, so I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep at it. I'm thinking of re-joining Weight Watchers online; still in the thinking stage right now. And this week, I'm going down to the YMCA to find out about memberships. I don't want my kids to get stuck in the same rut that I have been in. Here's to a healthier week!

Time to Cut Mama Some Slack

I came to the realization tonight that it's time for me to cut myself some slack. I don't usually cross-share information between my blogs, but I posted a similar message on my Special Kid, Special Parent blog tonight. I have all these lofty goals to lose weight, to get myself organized and to basically have control of my life, but I'm stressing myself out! I can't get everything done right now. I can take baby steps. I can make progress. I can celebrate the small things. Besides, big things are just a bunch of little things all stuck together, right?

My main focus right now is on parenting my special needs daughter. She takes a lot of energy and time right now. I still need to take care of me, and I will, but I'm not going to beat myself up if things aren't perfect. If the dishes don't get done or the laundry isn't put away, but I'm spending time helping my little one to talk, then I haven't wasted my time. Sometimes I forget to give myself credit for all that I do accomplish in a day instead of just focusing on what I don't get done. So, it's time to change. Going forward, I'm going to give myself a break and stop being so critical of myself. I'm going to focus my energy on things that truly matter. The other stuff will get done when it gets done and not before.



This picture always makes me smile. It's from one of my favourite places in the world.

Well, They Say "No Pain, No Gain", Right?

Water pump at Frissell Crossing (Aufderheide)
Originally uploaded by Martin Bravenboer

It was two days ago that I tried a couple of the exercises on my Jillian Michaels Wii game, and I am still in pain! The only move I can remember off the top of my head was the "water pump". I didn't feel any pain the day I did the exercises, but yesterday and today, I hurt! It hurts to walk and to sit down. Oh yeah, really. I didn't know there were muscles in my butt, but apparently there are and they are not thrilled to be exercised. And lets not forget those inner thighs. Oh boy. Do those muscles burn. I feel like an old lady trying to get out of my chair, especially my office chair which is on wheels--I'm afraid it will go skitting across the room and I'll fall on my already sore bottom. That would be hilarious though!

I really only did a couple of the exercises, so I wasn't expecting this kind of pain. It really didn't feel like I had put enough effort into the exercises to make this much difference to my body, but I guess I worked harder than I thought.

I have taken the last two days off because there was no way I was going to attempt the same exercises just yet. Tomorrow, I'll try some upper body exercises and go back to lower body later on the weekend. The cool thing is that if I can feel so much after doing a couple of exercises without much effort, then it must be making some kind of difference in my body. Hopefully as I build up some strength there will be less pain in the future. Truthfully, I was surprised that there was not a warm-up or cool-down on the game. Perhaps stretching first is in order. We shall see.

Rethinking the Whole Jillian Michaels Wii Ultimatum Thing

Run Swiftly Racerback and the Run Team Spirit Crops: sea gaze
Originally uploaded by lululemon athletica

I'm sure no one will be surprised to hear that I have come to realize that I am NOT up to the challenge of completing the Resolution I set for myself on the Jillian Michaels Ultimatum. Rather than give up entirely, I have decided to just go in and do some of the exercises every night. I think after I get used to the exercises and build up some muscle and endurance, I will be better equipped to take on a Resolution.

The first thing I did was make sure that Jillian's voice on the game is turned way down. I know it's supposed to be encouraging, but hearing someone yell at me does not make me want to exercise. Instead it makes me want to quit and throw in the towel.

I was telling my brother about this Wii game and he laughed when I told him how mean Jillian's character was and how she yelled at me. "What did you expect--it is called the Ultimatum, isn't it?" Yeah, well it still wouldn't hurt to hear, "Way to go! That's so much better than your last attempt!" or "You're almost there, keep going!". Build me up, baby, don't cut me down! I'm coming out and putting in the time, I'm not doing it perfectly, but I'm doing it, and that is half the battle.

The Ups and Downs of Life with Depression

El Toro Roller Coaster
Originally uploaded by tenioman

The perfect image to describe life with depression as I see it is a roller coaster. You're coasting along, life is great, you know what's coming next and all the sudden, a blind drop comes out of no where and you're screaming you're guts out, waiting to hit rock bottom and do it all over again. The big climb causes anxiety because you know that it's not going to last very long and soon you'll be swooping down the drop into a dark abyss. Then there are little ups and downs, ups and downs, sharp corners, dark tunnels, and then you come screeching into the station.

The thing about roller coasters is that they are exciting, and maybe that's how I should view my life as well. Maybe I need to stop waiting for that second shoe to drop and just accept that the drop is coming and hey, it could be a fun ride. Yeah, maybe.

Yesterday I was all excited about my first workout day on my Jillian Micahels Wii Fit game. Today, the same game just about reduced me to tears. I couldn't even do a simple push up and I felt so demoralised. It wasn't even a scheduled workout day, so I probably should have just stayed away. Instead, I let a video game make me feel like crap. How is that possible? In my head, as I started the circuit and saw how many exercises there were in it, I knew that it was beyond my current abilities, but I thought I'd give it a try anyway. Sometimes being stubborn is a good thing because it motivates you. Sometimes it's not because you can get so frustrated when you can't do something.

I ended up stomping upstairs to hide. I took a piece out of my poor husband first and kicked him out of our room so I could be alone (we have a small house, not many places to be alone). Sure enough, when I checked my email, I had a migraine alert. I've signed up for these emails that monitor the weather in your area and advise you when you may experience migraine symptoms. It's not always accurate, but on days like today, it gives me an "aha" moment. I realized awhile ago that I get panic attacks before a migraine hits. I guess it's my psyche's way of letting me know that things are getting off kilter and I'm going to be in pain soon. Maybe it's my own early warning system so that I know to take medication before it hits. So the "aha" was when I realized that I wasn't totally demoralized by the game, I was having a mini anxiety attack and that is why I felt like crap. There has got to be an easier way to figure out what my body is trying to tell me. I guess this is my body's way of literally hitting me over the head (come on now, that's a migraine joke, you can laugh).

I've just dosed myself up with my pain meds because I can feel the migraine looming over me. I'm going to eat a lovely salad my darling husband made for me and I'm going to enjoy the ride that is my life.

If you have a medical condition like migraine, COPD, diabetes, heart disease, asthma or arthritis, you can sign up for the weather health system with Mediclim.com. I've found it helpful in managing the treatment of my migraines. This is not a sponsored website, this is something I use and believe in.

Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum Wii, Resolution 1, Day 1

I'm proud of myself! I completed today's resolution after lunch today. Since my shift at work is changing next month and I won't be finished until midnight, I thought I'd try getting my workout in during the day instead.

So far, I really like Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum 2010. It's tough, for sure, but I think this just might be the kick in the ass I needed.

Today I did 5 laps of running. Had to talk myself through that one! It was starting to get hard around the third lap, but I made it! Then Squat Jumping Jacks--those are tricky! I'm going to need some more practice before I get those right. Then I did swing kicks with the Wii Fit board, but those I think I scored 0 on. From what I saw her doing, I thought I had it right, but since she gave me some of her biting comments ("I didn't come to you, you came to me" and "Stop wasting my time!"), it appears I have some ways to go there. My fourth exercise was some sort of lunge on the Wii Fit board, and I did OK on that.

For my first month, I didn't want to over do it, so I think I put the circuits in on the weekends when I'd have more of a chance to do them. I really like that it's only four workout days a month in the resolution. I'd like to find an outdoor activity to do on my "off" days. We're also looking at getting a YMCA membership for the family so that we can all go and take some classes and get some exercise together.